how can 1 person have this much effect on me?

I do not know who reads this and who may understand it completely but I am writing from my grief, mixed with sorrow, mixed with relief, mixed with so many unidentified emotions.  At times, I just want to stand in front of the lake during sunset to laugh at the world, to laugh at life, to pity myself, and to congratulate myself.  I am officially a dense form of moisture, mixed with cold and hot.  I can no longer identify my feelings and my state of mind.  

I keep blaming him for my unhappiness and his ability to strip away my happiness upon realizing that I’ve attained something to be grateful for.  Over the years, I’ve generated a fear of being happy because I know that it would be so temporary.  The feeling would have left without a warning.  Out of reach.  Out of touch.  But now I know it’s actually me who’s eating myself away.  It must have have been easier to pass the blame to him but I am the one consuming me. 

I am the definition of antisocialism

Like Carrie Bradshaw once asked: Will I end up being the old woman who lived in her shoes?  Will I???  What’s happening to me.  I love fashion, no doubt, but this isn’t what I’m talking about.  What I mean is that, why am I suddenly pushing so many people away??  I feel like I should be more social but I know, deep in my heart, I just truly want to be alone — coordinating outfits.  Is this a quiet prelude to a severe isolationg sickness?  If it is, I really want to know and find out what can be done to prevent it from further deteriorating my social sickness.  I’m bugging my one friend who I truly trust at the moment and if I continue to confide in her 100% with this antisocial business, I feel that I will end up driving her away and that is the last thing I want to do…considering the amount of true friends that I have at the moment.  What is a damsel in distress to do?

hmmmm….

I’m beginning to feel a bit weary here.  Exactly who am I talking to??  I feel like an idiot for being here talking to a non-existant audience…but then again, I don’t want to be found.  I like remaining semi-anonymous and reveling in my privacy.  I still haven’t decided yet who I wanted to be my audience and what kind of people would I feel alright about reading my blog.  I think I’m a little more uptight and private than before.  I guess that’s what they mean when they say that experience and the harshness of life really toughens one up.  Back then, I had a wide audience reading my old blog….the readers were mainly people I knew.  But sometimes, you can’t trust people to read your thoughts even if they know you.  Trust is a very valuable factor that only the most deserving are privileged to gain.  Sometimes, you just can’t trust just anyone…not even the person closest to you. 

I just realized that I haven’t taken any pictures in a long while.  Must pick up le camera again.  Capture the positive images left in the world.

This is your first post.

First post.  I wonder if there are any viewers.  It seems weird to be talking to no one but at the same time, I need to be away from the people I know and from people who might be interested in knowing my thoughts and other happenings. 

 Anyway, the purpose of this blog is to allow me to write about my thoughts and views about my life, the world, etc. and to post pictures that I may find intriquing.  It’s basically just like any other blog, except for the fact that I am the blogger.  This is my voice and my mind talking here.  After all, this blog is named luiiness.